Tough Week

This has been a really tough week. So... going back a bit... My work, a few years ago, stopped accepting Medicaid. This was such a bummer for me, because, the population that generally has medicaid and mental health issues are the kids that I most love working with. The are hard, but really worth every minute of your time with them. So, I have been praying and petitioning for us to have those kids back and within the last month, God has honored those prayers and work, and we are now taking Medicaid again! I'm thrilled! I mean... this is why I do what I do... to serve those kids and their families. 

Anyhow... we have a new girl. Our second Medicaid admission since we started again. She's so hurting. She's 12 years old (the youngest age that we accept) and has been in residential treatment centers for several years. Including the state hospital... which is a big deal. So, tonight was my first music therapy group session with her. We had 7 kids tonight, including 2 new boys, and the girls were all wound up, so it was a bit of a mad house. We headed to the local grocery store for one of the kids' favorite music group traditions... the purchasing of snacks for the evening. Somehow in the craziness of all those kids, I left her behind. Yeah, I  actually left this little girl back at the facility. While I was at the store, another staff member came running in and let me know that they had a situation and that I needed to come. I realized instantly what had happened, left the other kids with my team mate and ran... literally at a dead run back to the hospital. You have to understand that this little girl has severe trauma and attachment disorder. (This is also a big deal.) When I got back, she was crying and calling me names and kicking things. I really just wanted to throw up. I have never, never done anything like this. It took some time and we finally got her calmed down, and I asked her "Where were you? Did you go to the bathroom? How did you get separated from the group?" She replied, "You all walked out the door and I was waiting to see if you'd turn around to see if I was coming, and you didn't, so I came back inside." To which I replied, "You set me up?" And she nodded her  head. Again, I wanted to throw up. This was after having several incidents throughout the week where we had to de-escalate her. My heart is so hurting tonight. I can't believe that I was so careless and part of me can't believe that she would be hurting so bad that she would have to do this... prove that the World is a sucky place and so is everyone in it. I met with her mom. She's amazing. So understanding and so aware of her daughters needs and the way she attempts to get those needs met. Amazing. God is good... I got to tell this little girl how much I care about her, but that I am human, and I will fail her. I will let her down. I make mistakes. I also got to tell her that we (our team) prays for her and for her mom, and that we're not going to give up on her. Both her and mom were crying. I think I'd of cried too... if I hadn't felt so much like puking. Not really sure what will happen from here. I've never made this kind of a mistake. I called my boss. She's great... she assured me that this could have happened to anyone of our team. Still sucks that it had to be me. She has to talk to her boss tomorrow to see what needs to be done. I could be written up.... this would be a first for me. Again... that nausea. I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up and to rest. I do believe that everything happens for a purpose. And I know that God will use it. Trust. Rest. The song "It is Well" has been on my heart for a couple of days. Especially the part about "when peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll... whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say... It is well! It is well with my soul." Abba, Whatever my lot. It is well with my soul. I trust You. I will rest in You.